To…

 

To …

 

Are you going stay back and watch the ceremony completely…or are you going back early…

Ma will decide that…I can’t say…

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I know you remember this mini conversation we had on that night 2 years back. 2 years. It’s being 1 year and 2 days story ended on your end, 48 days to my end, 6 months 13 days you leave me forever, 6 months 2 or 3 days I learn of your decision.

No, I’m not depressed like I was one or two months back. The shock of your marriage had washed away long ago. It’s the feeling I can’t classify what I feel now. But, one thing sure I don’t hate you or I can’t get angry with you ’cause I had told you long ago during our time that in true love stories one live happily ever after while the other just die each and every day by the splinters of the broken dreams, not-kept promises, and vows and the memoirs of the time or the period. And, I think you don’t remember, in our case, it’ll be me–the crucified character.

You know when I look at Suman or Ayan I had this feeling that’s a mix of blue, anger, hate…I don’t know what else get into the mix. Suman and her fiance were not on talking term for long 7 months. They had this issue popped time in the meanwhile of ours. After long 7 months, when they talk they reconcile. They’re going to marry later this year or early next year. Ayan had a similar problem. He’s an office colleague who has become a close friend of mine. He also going to get married next year even after facing an issue similar to us.

I s’times think what goes wrong. I came up with this theory that your mother lets you play with me ’cause I’m a simpleton and nincompoop who doesn’t read the fine lines in an agreement. Another theory I came up with that is you’ve done this before. But, e’time I end up cursing myself ’cause they were not truth; they are just the result of an overthought depressed mind who is in search of a driftwood to cure itself.

One thing, but, I won’t deny that the vows you made while making love that you’re mine so I shouldn’t stop or hold me back to love you or the promise of yours to gulping down all the insults that’ll hurl by elders of our family during a heated argument to be with me anyhow or that pledge to date for years until and unless I’m ready financially, after paying off my loans hurts very much.

I had seen your bridal picture. You were smiling and looking charming in that picture. I when feel down, close my eyes and remember that picture and the song you used to sing-tumi khusi theko, amar paane chey chey khusi thako…Yes, I feel a solace, I feel a pleasant in my burnt disturbed soul. You’re happy, so, why shouldn’t I. I, though, hold that wish of the last wish to see you before I die and to hear your bidding verse-sabdhane jeo, Dugga Dugga.

I’ll not elongate this letter a’more. It’s a catharsis from my side, but, blabbering to others. I still in love with you–yes I can feel it whenever I tried to move on. The girl or woman who’ll get married to me need to know you, our story ’cause to know me she has to know that time, you. I still hope one day we’ll meet and we’ll enjoy the late Spring eve sun like that eve 2 years ago.

Good Bye Rupai. Let’s live the life we’ve chosen not wanted.

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27th February, 2017

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Posted in You

4 thoughts on “To…

  1. I know and understand this pain very closely Sangbad. My brother faced it who was left alone after his marriage and a daughter.
    My only advice is never stop living…life is very very precious than any loss. I appreciate you a lot as you are sharing this openly and trying to heal out. The gift of writing is God’s way to help you!
    May this journey of your’s as a writer take you to a place above all this! Keep writing 👍

    Like

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