Dear Ma,

When I think of my childhood, my boyhood, my teen I cannot recollect you…my memories of you in all these years is seeing you going to the office…when friends, colleagues speak of their dearest childhood memories of being with Ma I have nothing to say except “my Mom is a working mother, so, she never got time to spend with me…”

If I stress on my memories I can find only two events that we share of fondness…One was on the Math exam of Madhyamik…the paper was a tough and twisted one…when you heard the news from your colleague, you ran up to my exam center…yes, I was surprised to see you because you always used to leave me at the center and after the exam, I used to return with Saikat and Priyanko or someone else…another event is after my appendix operation…when I opened my eyes after operation in the bed I saw you, sitting at my head.

Another I remember, but, it’s not a pleasurable one…I was missing you one noon while at Durgapur…I called Jinia and she suggested that I should call you…I do not want to call you because you were at the office and my call will disturb you…but, still on her insistent, I called you and you never hid your disturbance…that was the first and last time I called you when am missing you…

You know Ma, when Rupai walked into my life I came to know I was incomplete and she completed me… before that, I used to think I was complete and knew what shall I do with my life…that little girl shattered my beliefs…when I confess of our relationship to you, you lazily said I need to talk to Didi and Mani…yes, I talked with them…but, you…never said a word…

wa1

You remember this picture, right…this was her idea…before few days of this picture your birthday had been gone…and, she had this idea of having a Profile Picture on Facebook with you…but, there were none…so, she said rather demanded to have a picture of us…

Many a time, during those ten months, she had been working hard to bring us closer….yes we never share so call mother and son together bonding…there was and is a huge gap between us…you always favored Didi…and that gives rise to this riff…to this growing apart…one day, you remember not I know, I was on the phone with her and I screamed at you…she disconnects the call and doesn’t talk with me a whole day ’til I apologize to you…

You speak of Chotu and his wife…the girl has helped him to grow in career and now whatever he is, he is for that girl…you said this all…Rupai was also doing the same thing and that too silently…that time I used to have overtime frequently for being one of the top position holders in the project…I never used to call you…when you used to return home at evening, you came to know I had an OT…Rupai taught me that you feel better if I call you and inform you…yes, the phone she gifted me was for that because my old phone used to go dead frequently…and all those extra times and all the hard works, she always used to pushed me to work hard for you first of all and then for her…

You know after Dida leave us she was there to hold my hand and if she hasn’t, then, I do not know what can happen to me…you hate her, you loathe her for the last few days she acted…yes, it is a matter of pondering, brown thought…but, she was still in love…and maybe still now…we both look up to you…but, you never speak…you always said that Mani will decide the course of my life…

Ma, I feel angry…I get disturbed when I think of your role in my life…you speak of Aloka Kakima who had come forward a decade ago for her son’s happiness and convincing you for the marriage of her son and your daughter…I thought, expected, you will do the same…but, no never you spoke a single word…not during that time…not during the ten months…

Sometimes, you scream at me saying I am acting absurd as I have lost something precious…yes, she was precious to me Ma…she had taught me the love between you and me, she had taught how to be a better person…she had always inspired me to work hard as I had said and I will say again and again…yes, Ma…these days I do not talk with you much but less because I do not want to talk to you…yes…

After Rupai gone, I had said of one girl I had seen in a marriage ceremony…but you never show interest….not a whiff of concern…Ma, this hurt you know…

You see how much happy I was when she was there…you know Ma I became serious of our relation on Bapi’s death anniversary, when she pulled me out of the house and spent half of the day with me…tomorrow is the day and I had taken off from the office just to be myself….she was there always taking care of me which I distaste and she knew of that very well…that’s why she gifted me the phone, the shirts because I do not or hate to buy new clothes…

Ma, you know what she used to say…she will quarrel with me so that she can sleep beside you…she always used to plan how to make you happy after our marriage and the loneliness you feel, which I overlook all the time, she want to overcome that…she also used to say that I shall take frequent Night Shift so that she can spend more time with you…

I do not know whether I will be able to be close to you like I had become in those months…sometimes I want to talk with you and I do that, but, every time each time the conversation turn to a heated one…another reason I do not talk much with you…

I miss her Ma…yes, I loved her…and still I love her…back in December 2016 when Jinia confess you had called her to convey me the message of her marriage I was surprised because as a mother you accept that…yes, it sound childish but look at the picture and say can’t you do something to stop that marriage…something for the smile of your son…

I have thought of doing something foolish with my life, but, it was the promise she had made me make on our last call I do not think of the foolishness…I do not know the girl who will get married to me will ever be able to live with me for the life because I do not believe in love or relationship or bonding anymore…

Your Son


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19 thoughts on “Dear Ma,

  1. I am not shocked. Well, yes a little surprised. It’s okay! If your relationship with your mother isn’t usual. You choose to maintain a gap. And that’s okay too. But nowhere I can conclude that you do not love her. I am sure you have loads of love for her and so does she. Sometimes situations restrict us to recieve and reciprocate love. It is there but we can’t feel it.
    But, above all you are amazing. And we as your readers are glad to have you here. Lots of best wishes. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am not surprised. I have seen many of parent-child relationships which were not usual. Not that, they did not love each other but their love failed to come out due to sone of their actions.
    I am sure you have loads of love for your mother. And so your mother loves you too. But sometimes the situations restrict the exchange of that love. You are amazing. And we, as your readers, are glad to have you here. Lots of good wishes.! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Very touching…I can feel your emotional requirement and loneliness, when you wanted your mom to talk and be there for you and you didn’t find her…My heart goes out to you…
    Hope for better days for you. Try and forgive her, probably she knew not, what she was doing. You will feel at peace. Talk to her, give her this letter, probably she’ll understand your perspective..
    Take care..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Please do try to think from your mom’s perspective too, Sangbad. Having read a few articles in your blog,I have come to understand that you have lost your dad very early, and I feel that your mom wanted to provide the best for you and your sister. This is my opinion, don’t mistake me, my intention is not to hurt you.

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    1. Am not replying to any comment on this post except one…this one to clarify the point of view of this epistotle post…I haven’t been able to forgive Ma because of her mute role when I needed her most…you are my ardent reader so you know how much am broken…and I had tried to move on…but at the end of the day it is the role of Ma that’s hurt me…not she…or the girls rejecting me…the letter was wrote from this point of view…I hope I made my view understandable to you…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks a lot for replying , Sangbad. I am able to understand your view in a better way now, and I hope and I’m sure that things will turn for the better. Take care. 🙂

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