A Story: Episode 1

A lot has changed since I’ve started this letter…I now know you’ll not be there in my life; but, still, a slight pale hope remains tangle in the sake of the vows of yours and those months in an untitled limbo…I wanted to destroy the letter as far I have written, but, something undefined holds me back and let me complete this letter…

I want it to be a love letter, the letter that you always look for from me…but, I think, this letter will be a sort of an autobiographical of the 10 months we were together—it’s an attempt to bring you back and make mine for forever…

10 months…many times we’ve debated, we’ve quarreled on this calculation; it should be rather 11 months according to you, and partially from me, but, I emphasized on the fact that March eve to be our start…

The first time I heard of you was when one evening Ma while having tea broke the news of your father demise; I had heard a little about you but more about your mother for being Moni’s friend from school life to adulthood; many a time, during our-time, Mamoni said that I was just an infant—few days old—when she first saw me; after listening to your wit and bravery that you show during that day, I want to meet you, felt an urge to fall in love with a girl like you and to make her mine—I always wanted a girl like you to spend my entire life with; yes, it sounded foolish, but, it’s one of the longings I had held ‘fore I met you…

I still remember, though hazily, I had a look at you for the first time; I was just hurrying out of Mama’s house to supervise the boarding of the packed tray gifts in his car which will travel to his in-laws house; the ceremony of turmeric, gaye holud, was ongoing in the roof… I was startled looking at your mother because she just looks like one of my aunts and behind her, there was you—fat and serious girl—I didn’t have a closer look at you ‘til the ‘noon and the beautiful soul a few weeks later…

It was lunch time, everyone was gay and happy; Mama screaming and shouting and throwing tantrum—it’s his habit, though; my sister, mother, and aunts are serving others their lunch; I hadn’t my lunch till that time ‘cause that time I was in dire need of a sleep of an hour or so for the ceremony, I’ve been doing Night Shift from Sunday and last night I was awake—working and meeting the target…

I found no place to take a nap because everywhere there were invitees and relatives—relatives whom I had met at my childhood or never and whom I met again a few months later, so, I came to the dining room to get a chair to doze off…

There was only one chair left to get occupied and it was beside you; I looked around to find another seat, but, there’re none; I dragged myself and sat down noisily drawing your attention from your cell phone which you were punching to type out a message; you looked at me in disgrace…Mamoni, having lunch with other women invitees, called me out and introduces us; your reply to my “hi” was the look of don’t you dare to move forward and try or check me out…

I smile and wipe the tears of my eyes nowadays when I think of this; yes, I sometimes cry aloud when I’m alone, when I want you most in my darkest moments of a day; you had wiped my tears in more than one instances and promised to do so for the rest of our life…

The first time you had done so was when we were returning from a movie-date and we had to leave the movie in the middle because of Moni’s sudden illness—who was visiting us then…in taxi, I broke down all of a sudden not being able to give you the time that I had promised and in fear that my family responsibilities will take you away from me; you kissed me before placing my head on your bosom and whisper into my ears “don’t cry, your Rupai is here…she’ll be there always whatever happens…”

I still remember the first time I had spoken to you…the marriage ceremony had started and the bride i.e. at that time my would-be Mami will be coming on piri when I asked you “are you going to stay till the wedding get completed or going to leave ‘fore that…”…you looked at me again with that your famous disgrace look and then to be soft made your face a smiling one—an imitated one—before replying “Ma will decide…”…it was a few minutes later I clicked you on request of Mamoni; it was the first time I got a chance to take and asked you to smile—I had probably said “there’s no tax on being a smiling girl…”…you smiled and that was too an imitated one more than a happy or satisfactory one…

I saw you smile in real next day…

It was again lunch time…I had an early lunch because I need to travel back to Kolkata; Didi last night decided to stay there on the ceremony of Bou Bhaat get over before going back to Kolkata and I was entitled to be the man to bring her and Babai—my little nephew from Kolkata; besides this, Dida was upset and crying for not seeing me for last two nights…at last minute Jui decided to accompany me…she needs a break from all this running and shouting she told me later that day…

If Jui was not there then after this family occasion we wouldn’t be together…she had played a pivotal cameo…she acted as the catalyst…I got your number due to her wit; she hid my cell phone and let me search in every bit of corner like a search dog and after seeing me getting enraged she suggested an ‘idea’; she took your phone complaining of her forgetfulness not recharging her cell phone and dialed my number and your number got recorded in my call log-I saved it next day after the Bou Bhaat…

During that time I also touched you the first time…

I need to put my cell phone on the charger and the plug point was guarded by your left leg…you quietly took it from my palm and your fingers touched my palms and put it on charge after I asked Jui to find point…later when we recollect this, you said you had understand that I was finding a chance to talk to you, to have a look at you—then and now…it’s neither true nor false ‘cause I was caught between my longing of having a talk with you and the hold-on that used to pull me back those days and again now…

Where I was…yes, the first time you smiled…

It was a slight one like miss-you-blink. Before leaving for Kolkata, I said to Mamoni “we are going to capture your house tonight…”…my eyes went to you at the last word unknowingly and my eye caught a beautiful sight…you were smiling…

I can still do anything for that smile, but, don’t condition me to forget you for that ‘cause I can’t…I know you’ve requested repeatedly me to forget you, but, how I can; is it possible to forget those moments, the words and vows and all…

Later, few days later and few times during our time, you had admitted that you were longing for me visiting your house that night and stay at your house which happened next night…

Didi was staying as the pre-decided decision and on invitation of Mamoni at your house…

Next morning I went to pick up her from your house. But, my duty was not only to pick up Didi but to look over the desserts and sweets ordered at the popular and best Rasoraj Sweet Store; I was accompanied by Jui and Tapon Mama who will be driving the car; I pick up Didi and Babai and along with you also joined us…I was at the back seat of the Sumo while you were by the window in front of me…

This was another first time moment of me to get your fragrance one I longed more few months later than anything and now…

Later that day the first time touch happened, which, I had mentioned few moments back…

At night I journeyed with Didi and Babai and Jui to board at your house…You let me see your albums of the tours you’ve taken with your family a couple of years ago…I was sent to sleep with your brother on the bed in the TV room…I’ve slept on that bed many a time later but not anymore with your brother…

So many memories and first times are attached with that room…

Next morning, we accompanied Jui to the auto stand—she was going back to her college…she chose auto journey over bus and train…after she went away I accompany you to bazaar…I scolded you for trying to snatching the bag from my hand-another first moment…

 Mamoni was going to scolded you by seeing the bags in my hand but I stopped her saying her I was cool and okay with this…later that morning, we converse sitting in your Thappa’s room…I can’t recollect what we talk on, but, I think you remember…

When, after breakfast of luchi and potato curry, I was leaving for Mama’s house as I had office in the noon—I was having Evening Shift—when, after bidding all of you and Didi and Babai, your eyes seems to be moist and you said softly “sabdhane jeo, Dugga Dugga”…

That morning I had felt an ache, a long lost feeling that I’ve concealed underneath my thoughts of love is bogus…there, in this time, is no such thing call true love or commitment…yes I was scared of relationship, I admit it, ‘cause my last affair concluded by getting beating up by some goon who was in love with the girl…that time the incident was 6 years old and after that I’ve decided not to fall for love, not with you even at first place…

That morning when you say those words to take care while being on road, God is always with you, another ‘first’ we have, I want to hold your hand and say let us try out…but, no I can’t say that from the fear of getting heartbroken which I had mended by hating relationships or love… that’s why when I whatsapp you that eve with a little “hi”, I was sure you’ll never reply or we’ll talk like a brother and a sister does…

You didn’t reply till next morning…

When I look back at those chats, I find we both had been trying hard to converse, to express our feelings and say our words…it can stop there, after few days of chat, but the time wants something else and that’s why we continued the “talking”…

I still treasured those chats-the long chats we had regarding our daily day, our angst, believes. Then at mid-March we met. At first place, as the chat goes, I don’t want to meet you. Then I found out we were talking how beautiful our life would when we’ll be together; you had install the idea of a perfect life with you in those few days…

I still recollect the day we met at Sealdah station like it had happened just a few hours ago…

It was a Monday of middle of March, 2015…

I had the weekend night shift and that’s why I was awake last night, so, I was tired; but this tiredness overcomes the idea of taking leave from you…to show the reality of my life, to say you the holdings…a girl, as far I knew, will leave a guy who say such things on their first date making it the only a “meeting” not a date…

I don’t want you at that time…I just want to be alone and be live like I was living—working over the clock, writing, reading, learning and taking care of Dida in her last days; I want to save money so that I can journey around the world—a long one accompanied with Satyajit Ray, Saradindu Bandhapadhya and Jhumpa Lahiri and songs of Anjan Dutt and Bob Dylan.

Yes, I don’t want to be in love…

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Sreeblogs says:

    Bah…finally getting to know the story…porte thakbo next episode gulo👌🏻👌🏻

    Like

    1. Sangbad says:

      Acha…poro…puro seriestai post kora ache…

      Liked by 1 person

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