These nights like tonight I’m awake…my eyes are itching to sleep but I know I’ll not be able to sleep; it feels like the silence of the emptiness choking me out…I right now wants to call you and asked you the reason for not thinking of calling me or reason for not giving our relationship a chance…
When, this evening, Mamoni broke the news of your marriage I felt someone just throw me in a dark corner and read out the sentence of lifetime solitary confinement with your memoirs…
After February, every time I ran to your house I want to make you understand I’m blind without you, I’m no one without you…at the same time, I want to let you feel how much guilt I felt for not talking with you anymore after that feud…I want to tell you how much I needed you psychologically as well as physically…
I can gather two reasons for your behavior like this…
First of all, it might be for your Dada…
Earlier this year, you had said me that Chaiti’s parents had started looking for a perfect “boy” for her; until and unless you got married he’ll not be able to get married though he is unemployed doing some tuitions and playing chess in the evening and going to fields to watch football and cricket matches…he’s enjoying his times giving a damn to the world…
The second reason is greed had taken over you…
From day one I had made clear myself that I need time to be financially sound and you had always supported me…
I still remember your reaction when I made you remember this on 3rd February after you describe your uncle’s palatial Behala house…you were not angry at me but instead you said we both will build such a house…
By this I don’t overshadow my Didi’s mistake to be not cool with you, but, just asking you or trying to find out what had happened on 8th February, that you all of a sudden pushed me to be financially sound soon before rejecting me and banishing me to be in your life for the whole life-which you promise to spend with me…
You know, Rupai, when I think of Didi’s participation in our relationship, I remember you both shared a beautiful cordial relationship…you used to scare me after I had said something wrong or done something mistake by saying you’ll inform her…you once say that Didi is at peace ‘cause her brother selected the perfect bride…this comes in the context when Didi while staying at your home said to you and your mother that she’s worried regarding my bride ‘cause am a simpleton in this time of chaos and twisted world…I’m just one of the few good men whom time disowned…
Three dates I toyed with now when I search the reason for your departure thinking in the blue… 2nd February, 3rd February and 8th February…
2nd February was the last time we had gone out for a date…
You had an invitation that day in Behala and it was a Tuesday; you had joined a singing school to learn the classical singing in depth…Mamoni and your brother had gone there beforehand in morning…so, I took the responsibility for taking you there…you and Mamoni didn’t want that, the reason is still unclear to me..I, though, pick you up from Ruby and we had a date at Acropolis…we talk, we laugh…
You show me your new cell phone which you had bought a few days back using your savings… you took our selfies—the last one by fate…Then when we boarded a bus to Behala, Mamoni called saying your brother will be waiting at a predetermined spot in Behala…
I got enraged hearing this as I had felt leftover, not a trustworthy man to take care of her daughter…you calm me down by saying we’ll sort it out later…
You said you need a recorder as your Guruji insisted to have one to record his voice so that you can listen to it later and practice it at home…you also said there will be a special class in March and for that, an amount needs to pay…
I promised you that I will pay the fee and also buy you the recorder; but, I need time for the later…you called your mother and said I’ll drop you at your relative’s house…As we reach the said spot I found your brother there…your mother never listens to you and I returned being angry and disheartened…I was hurt that very much, Rupai…
3rd February, I called you and you speak to me in excitement…how lavish and posh your relative house is…you were speaking of every minute detail of the palatial house and I was listening to you quietly…when you realized I’m not saying anything, not even a hmmm, you asked me the reason…
I speak my mind and I think I made a great mistake…I said you I am economically handicapped to build such a “palace”; you didn’t get angry, instead, in your beautiful soothing voice said I need not worry because you’re there and you’ll be; we both will build a house like that…I laughed out loud and said, dragging the last day matter, your mother losing “interest” in me, so how this can be happening…you feel dishearten I can feel it and after few seconds of silence, you said “I’ll talk with Ma…I’m not liking this talk and this tone of yours…I know you’re feeling disturbed from yesterday…”
That talk you promise was the final nail to the end…
On 8th February, you went to visit your brother’s Bhikkha Ma…you never like them, especially their son; once, when, for a Puja Mamoni decided to board at their house for the night, I argued with you and force you to return the same day; you had kept my word and had returned back to your home the same day before night…
That day, 8th, I was feeling not well…I was feeling, sensing, something wrong going to happen…
“Babu why you’re so frightened…did you have a nightmare last night…” You asked as I became serious seeing your strong wish to keep the invitation and not postponing it…
“Rupai, I don’t trust that lady as you also. I don’t want her son’s shadow to fall on you. You had said he’s an asshole who if want can sleep with a girl’s mother. Besides this, I’m feeling a strange feeling of losing you…” I had replied in one breath…
You gave a pregnant pause and then said slowly and softly “we’re going to celebrate our first anniversary twenty days later, and you still often disbelief me. I’m not going to leave you.”
“I’m not disbelieving you. But, I’ve never been in a long relationship so I’m scared I’ll lose you; you’ll leave me…I repeat I don’t disbelieve or distrust you…but, today, after waking up I suddenly felt loneliness-a life without you.”
You were silent for few seconds and then said: “Babu, I know these days you are wary; let me go today because she had invited us last week…now if we don’t go-”
I stopped you and said “let Mamoni and your Dada goes…I’ll call Amitavada and will take today leave…we’ll spent the whole day together…Shona, please don’t go…”
“You’re my old crazy man. Don’t whims like a child. Let me go. Okay, at night, we’ll have sex over the phone. Please let me go.”
“Okay, go…” I was controlling my anger, “You had already decided to go; go and enjoy the day… I’ll call you between…”
“Yes, and we’ll”, I know what you’re going to say. So I completed you we’ll talk in “formal way”…
At night we don’t have sex over the phone, but, there was the tiff that shook the foundation of our relationship…
You were not talking properly with me…you also shouted at me as I had yawn while talking—which you never do.
After much persuasion, you asked me “how long will you take to own a flat…”
I was taken aback…these wordings just startled me leaving without any reply…
Finding me quiet and feeling I’m surprised you continued “Ma will not allow her daughter to get married to a boy who doesn’t have a shelter…it’s late at night, go sleep and if possible talk with your Ma or Moni or anyone else who’ll help you to have a flat…”
You disconnected the phone without letting me say anything.
For the first in all these months, I went to bed to spend a sleepless night—first of many—without your kiss…
That night and many nights in the coming up I ran and re-ran to find the reason of the change in you; but, I came up with no proper reasoning except one—something happens that day in that woman’s house which you kept hidden from me…
I talked with Ma next day and pressurize to talk with yours…my mother proposes your mother to bring your elder uncle and have a talk between them; Mamoni never promised and partially agreed to the term…
A few days later it was Saraswati Puja on 13th and next day was Valentine’s Day…
I had made an elaborate plan for that day…but, I didn’t meet you on both of the days…
On 14th there was a family gathering and I attended that… I know I shouldn’t have done that but believe me the memories of Puja let me do this…
It was our first Durga Puja (and the only one)…
We went for movie-Rajkahini—on Chaturthi at Priya…besides Priya there is Deshopriyo Park and they had built a big tall Durga idol last year…
I never thought like many other citizens that this will break loose the hell before the Puja started…over-crowded will seem less if the crowd need to be described in words…everyone was struck on the road…there was a long queue of cars stuck in the traffic…we got stuck on return to our way home…
You reached home at 11 while I at 9.30; I got scolded for this but I can’t make anyone believe what the rush of crowd we’ve faced; next day when the news got flashed in a massive manner everyone believes me…I shouldn’t have listened to you that day to leave you alone from Ruby…
We had planned to go out on Nabami…The plan was, your mother will come over to my house and you and I will tour the pandals in the south…
I still remember it was your second day of your menstruation cycle and I persuade you to cancel as you remain sick on this day of the cycle; but, you never cancel the plan and we met…
As the eve draws your mother called you to come back…it was the first time we argued like a couple on the open road…the passer byes were looking at us…we didn’t talk while we return and that whole eve, even when you bid me good bye…I know Mamoni is very much attached to you and in return you also; but can’t we spend time without thinking of her—I had said you later that evening after you reach home and you never revert back…
Thus when 14th February came I decided not to meet…after your repeated request I screamed at you saying you decide the place and time and I’ll arrive there…it was a mistake from my end…
Rupai, I repent for that, but, you know I don’t want the time hindrance to spoil our date like it does in Nabami…you never get me as I can deduce it now; I know you want to spend that day with me and I know you also had planned for that day like I did…but like your birthday I also spoiled this day…
Two days later, after losing the battle of struggle with the self-saying you haven’t called me or talked me and thus getting angry at you, I visited your house after office…you were not there… Mamoni called you up…
I was so disturbed being away from you that I didn’t converse properly with Mamoni…
I was sitting in the TV room when you came—sweating heavily…you ran up to me and hugged me tightly like nothing have happened; you wipe away the sweat from my face with your orna and in return I also with my handkerchief and then I kissed you holding you tight with my hands and crossing my legs against yours; you were trembling and I know you were going to cry…I leave your lips and kissed your eyes and forehead before again kissing the lips…they tasted salted like that of March evening I hold your lips with mine for the first time…
Later that evening we make love-a hush-hush one and an incomplete one because it got interrupted by Mamoni’s sudden appearance…that was the last time we kiss each other and we make love…before leaving the house I requested Mamoni to talk with Boro Mama of yours because I want to take you to my home as my wife quickly…i said that from heart…those two days not being talking with you or not getting kissed by you had made me felt how much I had fallen in love with you, how much I’m dependent on you Rupai…
I still remember the first time I talked with Mamoni…
Thoughts of Words 
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