There’s a saying life comes full circle.
Many of the time in my life I had faced that. But, the today can it be considered as an example of the notion. Last Janmastami that is back in 2016 I learn of her marriage and this year that is 2017 it’s her paper anniversary. Yes, I can go on talking, saying some heavy sadistic statements, passing some wisdom through soliloquy. But, am tired. Tired of all this sadness and melancholy and surprisingly I draw my strength, my happiness, my joy from this also. So, when I say am tired am self albeit confused is this natural or just am levying this on me.
In this one year, I have though learned slowly but steadily the theory of denial. After Rupai marriage last year I tried to move forward. And this try was hardest. After remaining aloof for a month or two a girl caught my attention. She lives in the neighborhood of my Didi. I talked regarding this to Ma, but, as the situation stands she remain silent. I can talk to Didi but I can’t because of this theory. Our brother-sister has already been affected and I do not want to strain this relationship more.
Then I remain aloof for few more months and again a girl caught my attention. New joinee in the office though different project. I break the shell and walk at tortoise speed. We talk for what three or four days and they she turns around. Now she doesn’t know me; we’re strangers. Yes, I put on my headphone and let the music plays looking at the road moving back with the forward of the office bus. Another application of denial.
Then another new joinee caught my attention. She also is in the same project of the last girl and boards the bus from my stoppage. She’s not so good looking very much normal looking, but, there’s something in her personality that makes me fall. We talked; she read one of my poems; I narrate her the history of my area because she comes from a distant suburb area of Kolkata. That time I was very much free; I was headstrong I’ll move forward. So, I do not waste time and text her stating clearly I like her and I want to know her more. I asked her out for a date. She asked why. This enraged me and I didn’t reply back. Yes, I am a very much moody person. Few days later I learn she is in a relationship already.
Now, she smiles at me and I at her when we meet at the bus stop. She doesn’t sit beside me and we don’t talk anymore. Here also denial works. I let the radio and online music station to blurt in my ears. My playlist includes Mozart, Beethoven, Pandit Ravi Shankar, Anushka Shankar, Bruce Springsteen, Enrique Iglesias, old Hindi movie songs, new same mundane toned Bollywood songs. I hear them and get lost in them. I like the effects of change of shades of street lights of the passing road. Sometimes they soothe me sometimes not. But, I say to self yes, you have to…listen how the music changing…feel the changing shades…
Another thing where I let the theory works. Office. The project I was part of was withdrawn last year in June. I was promised a promotion with the change of project. But, that actually was a false promise because I’m one of the rare hard workings experienced silent mouse they have. Now, I took orders from the guy whom I was supposed to order. Life is hard, life is storm; after the storm, you’ll see the bright day, I hum to self every time and every day. I had thought of job change, but, no one ready to give me a chance. A prominent cause is being a Masters what the hell I had been doing in KPO for fucking last four years. So denial works here also.
Yes, life is pretty much fucked up. But, still I’m fighting and that’s what I will do. And I’ll apply the theory of denial at every possible step.
Happy Anniversary Rupai. I don’t remember you but I recollect when these things happen. No, I don’t search the reasons of your departure anymore because as you used to say to remains happy looking at you. I do that–looking at the old photographs of ours. But, yes sometimes, I’ll not deny, I curse you I loathe you followed by asking for penitence to the God. Yes, from aesthetic I turn to a believer often.
I still hope one day we will meet and will sit down talking like we used to.