Red Blue Gray: Day 15 & 16

Oh Prabhu, what do you want…why are you not taking me…take me with you…I cannot live like this, anymore…not a bit of meat…I cannot live without having flesh for so long…tell me what do you want…have I committed sin…do I need to penance…or you need atonement…say Prabhu what do you want to say…what do you order me to do…

This cat knows the thing I want most…he is bringing me fresh rats and rodents…but they taste pale compare to the flesh of the virgins…their blood smell rotten not sweet like the blood of the virgins…it’s been after two weeks I had something like a flesh…this pencil is coming to an end…there is need of one…a new one…oh Prabhu show me the way to fulfil the hunger of these pages…

I had made this pencil out of the backbone or something like that out of the animal that he had brought in last day…now I can write…the blood will be the new ink…

Today is new moon…the urge of flesh is rising…it is now bhata…but as the sun will start set in the jowar will begin…oh Prabhu let me have flesh and blood of the virgin…I cannot live like this…this is not how an ordinary man like me can live…an ordinary man has lot of wishes, lot of urges inside him…it is like of cosmic nature…like the darkness of the space…so many things out there and you cannot define them…you just want to get lost in them…I want freedom…I want to kill myself…life all you want…let me journey through that blank eye of the cat to you…to be at your feet…sit on my chest and chant…call them…call your followers…take my soul away…take it away…

Those incredible bustards thought cleaning me and this room will stop this madness…they thought I will stop acting like that…they think I am not normal…and they are thinking of transferring me…but where they can…wherever I go the shadow of Prabhu will follow now…but before that I need to let my soul free…Prabhu will not help me…I will…I will end myself this full moon…

Today’s sunrise is the last one I have watched as normal being…from tomorrow I will watch it as a heavenly being…oh, the new sun, bless me…wash me from the all the earthly sins I have committed…I am now going to be an heavenly one as you are…

x It took three bullets to end their life. I must feel sinned but I am not. I am not feeling the repentance. The anger made me to think clearly of my actions while the after-the-action-happened moment makes me feel light like feather like a butterfly. I am not ashamed of what I have done. It is needed to be carried out and I have carried it out with my head being held high. The thing only I do not like is this cell. So dingy and so filthy it is. Being a service man I need a better cell. I need clean clothes to wear and clean bed to sleep on, and a clean cell before justice being served to me. (Cont’d)

By Sangbad

A poet, an author, a reviewer--in one word I'm a literaturist (means one who is trying almost everything that Literature is made of). My books are available at Amazon. I'm a Bengali, born and raised in Kolkata, West Bengal.

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