16th May, Night
I don’t know how this diary comes with me. I can recollect that I have left it locked inside the drawer of the table. Then how does it come with me I cannot understand.
I am already feeling light at my heart. It just seems I was being living in some suffocating chamber and now I am breathing the fresh air. I am feeling for the first time after I come here—this freedom. Yes, I am still here rather got struck here in the village. When I was leaving my quarter I saw the ascending cloud at the horizon. In that gray light the palace was looking beautifully dangerous. The building seems to be the lying-in room for sins. For last few decades it had given birthed many malicious deeds and it is proud of them. The boarders were its lover with whom it had made love. The neta will be its new lover. It will not stop until it, the building, is appease of its appetite for the blood. The palace need blood, lots of blood.
What am I writing?
Why I am writing all this?
Am I losing my mind or is it just the attachment to this place?
If the rain hadn’t arrived so early I should have been on the train, and would have my little girl in my lap in the morning. She will be yawning and rubbing their eyes to believe they are not dreaming. The last letter I had received from their aunt says she misses me and sometimes cries for my absence. I also miss her. But, there are something that has been trying to shackle me to that prison by the feet and hands. It just wants me as the guard to its deeds. It wants me to be its confederate to whom it can open its heart up. To its any bond or tie that is pure and pristine is vial thing. It just wants prisoners. It just wants their blood.
When the rain will stop?
Did all the rain need to be fall today?
When will it stop?
I want to go far away from here right now at this moment.
Bliss it is. Now she is sleeping at my bed. At first she didn’t believe me she was seeing me. When she believes I have really returned, she showcases the mock disturbance and anger. She when grow up will look like her mother. I should go to sleep also. Tomorrow I am going to visit the Commissioner. Yesterday I had sent him a telegram seeking an appointment. But, the reply hasn’t come any. I will be there in person. I hope he will give me importance then. And will listen to my plea.
For two days I am trying to get an interview with him. But, it is not happening. Something just eludes from me the chance to meet him. I have decided to write a letter and leave it there at his reception’s desk.
I had this memory as dream last night. It scared Annapurna a lot. I screamed so loud that she got woken up, and when her aunt came in she was shaking like a goat before it was beheaded as offering to the god. She was clutching to me tightly. After much persuasion she agreed to sleep with her aunt for the night.
The memory was from the evening when I was leaving behind the prison and riding towards the village. In the cloudy late noon I casually looked behind turning my head. The palace was standing there. It was weeping because its guard is going away leaving its alone. It does not like its new lover because it is not getting him alone. It wants to talk with him but he is never alone. (Cont’d)